I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
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me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous