My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
who did the taste test?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud