why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.