Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
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“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My Plans 2020
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.