Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
this country is so goddamn polarized
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Hitlers gonna hitl
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.