Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Meow
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.