Woke up against my better judgement again
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Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I just love that new Pope smell.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
You deplete me
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second