You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
How to draw a duck
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon