I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.