Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
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Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂