[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.