Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.