[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
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[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god