Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
You Might Also Like
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.