Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
You Might Also Like
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.