My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
lol
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.