A double negative is a big no-no.
You Might Also Like
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods