Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.