My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
You Might Also Like
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
*orders delivery*
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.