I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I love it all
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Breaking news:
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady