Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*praying for world peace*
God:
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.