Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
he looks great for his age
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
When someone trying to leave me
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring