Mornin
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The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*