them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
me, too, girl. me, too.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?