HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
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ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
There’s never enough good news
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep