Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Very good news from my accountant
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
scrabbled eggs
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable