Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Time heals everything 🙂
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.