my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.