“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”