“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
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Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
#ParentingFacts
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”