I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure