Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case