All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
But I really needed water water water
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.