I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.