me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Eat…
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.