fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.