A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
But is it really??
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.