This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
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ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.