I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I’m giving up ice.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.