DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”