[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Milk Cube
This is a bad sign
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
🙂🙃🥹
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”