Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.