INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
At least he brought enough for everyone
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.