You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
You Might Also Like
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.