[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.