Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
those birds must be on payroll
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon