a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
OH. COME. ON.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor