[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm