You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
A short story of betrayal:
A dad and his duck
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
No Google it does not
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ