Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away